Planksy

Aaaargh! That’s yer four “A” aargh, and I mean it I do. This is Plansky, the blarmey pirate turkey hisself, filling in for DocHoc this Halloween. Watch for me, a barrel of rum, and me mateys scouting for pirate treats in yer neighborhood. As you can see, I’m wearing me Sarah Palin costume, which brings me to yer gist. This, fer sure, wink, wink, is yer First Annual Planksy The Pirate Turkey Halloween Costume Contest, and the results are in, me lads and lasses.

Scariest. Arrgh, the rapscallion Jim Inhofe wins the scariest category for his costume of U.S. Senator. It’s a fright fer sure, what with his hoity toity suit, finger pointing and blarmey. For masquerading as a U.S. Senator, Inhofey wins this category all hands on deck, if you catch me drift.

Greenest. Me gobbler blows in the wind, fer sure, and the pipers play dancing jigs, and so it is that Boone Pickens gets the Most Green costume award for masquerading as Mr. Environmentalist hisself. Seems Booney’s going to save the world AND make a few billion more with natty gas converts. But will there be enough leftovers for ol’ OSU, and what with the Pokes doing so well this year? Argh, and that’s a one “A” argh, don’t yer know?

Meanest. Hand me a rum cup, shiver me feathers, Sally Kern wins the meanest category this here year for her costume of State Representative. “Matter fact” Sally wins yer landslide in this category for her hatin’ ways and fer trying to get rid of science in schools. If it ain’t religious mean, it ain’t Sally, me mateys. Her state rep costume reeks, wink, wink, of the ol’ snake-in-the-grass.

Safest. Well, not even a blarmey contest here, fer sure. State Rep. Jason Murphey wins for his costume as School Safety Captain fer trying to get guns in college classrooms. The way Murphey sees it the more guns the merrier because it’s the safest way to go. Arrgh, what’s next? Cannon balls?

Sexiest. Me mateys, I’m honored to accept this award for all pirate turkeys dressed up like Mrs. Palin everywhere.

So, aargh, fer sure, wink, wink, Happy Halloween, party like pirates, me lads and lasses, and don’t forget to vote.

Arrrrrrrgh! That’s a seven “r” arrgh for ye, mateys, on this wonderful indie day from your favorite pirate turkey, Planksy. Imagine me and my mateys, three hundred fowl strong, a sailing yer choppy waters of Lake Eufaula today. The rum is a-flowing, the Black Cats are a-popping and the Cut is a-hopping. Shiver me drumsticks, fill me rum cup and sing me a ditty about Choctaw bingo.

On this arrghspicious occasion, allow yers truly to award some sparklers and sharklers. If ye get yer sparklers, me mateys, why then go on and wave them in the pirate prairie breeze to celebrate yer true indie spirit. Yer’ve earned them fair and square and otherwise. If yer get ye sharklers, then ye walk me planks smack dab into Lake Eufaula’s dreaded Shark Cove.

Sparklers go out to University of Oklahoma President David Boren for supporting Barack Obama for president despite the editorial sass from the scurvy renegades at The Oklahoman, a smarmy, lie-telling newspaper known throughout the known world as yer bastion of bull.

Sharklers to none other than famous state Rep. Sally Kern, who thinks her God created the world in her narrow-minded, image-anation (catch me drift, mateys?). She’s done more to hurt yer economic development here than four Dust Bowls combined. Aye, tell it to the state GOP. The righties adore ol’ Kerny.

Sparklers galore are hereby awarded to Vic Hutchison, an OU professor emeritus of zoology, who rallied the rational forces against another Kernainitiative, the religious-intrusion act known as House Bill 2633. Ahoy, mateys, Vic told the truth about this little bit of bull. Yer Kerny, the albatross, no she did not.

Sharklers go to the rapscallion U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe for voting to maintain steep cuts in Medicare. Turns out, this smarmy snake-in-the-grass Senator ironicus has voted 15 times to cut Medicare funding since 1995. Aye, see, it’s okay for Jimmy himself to have health care, but not yerself. What blarmey!

Sparklers to Inhofe’s main opponent this election, state Sen. Andrew Rice, a Democrat who can change it all here. He’s got the fight in him, and he’s sailing to yer town soon. Aye, he even wants to improve yer health care, not take it away.

Arrgh! Well, shiver me gobbler, and pass me barrel of rum around the ship, lasses and lads. This is Planksy, the pirate turkey ye know and love, pictured to the right, filling in for DocHoc this randy dandy Christmas. Imagine me and a hundred brave pirate turkey brothers sailing into town on the mighty Bricktown canal during the high seas of lunch hour, and all to bring ye me holiday planks and dranks, yes indeed. Do you walk the planks off me fear mongering fowl ship or do you get your favorite holiday dranks, complete with pirate portion dollops of me rum, straight from me barrel, mateys, straight from me seasoned barrel of died and gone to heaven?

Planks: The lesbianphobe himself, U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn, for making Okies seem like fools for voting such a sniveling, lowdown rascal into office. Dr. No holds ye sick people hostage, makes ye children targets for Internet scoundrels and leaves ye oceans unmapped. This here demigod, methinks, wouldn’t do a favor in Hades hellfire for Oklahoma, me mateys. Dr. No is his own freak show, fellow pirates, a stunt, all press release, all gobble gobble gobble if ye catch me drift.

Dranks: Me fellow pirates and landlubbers in Oklahoma for shivering ye gobblers through the recent ice storm. Aye aye, it was a whopper, knocking ye lights off, making ye trees creak and groan and breakity break, and all of it because ye winters are getting warmer not colder. (Yes, ye winters are getting warmer, not colder, so save ye sidewalk salt and put some rum aside for them electrical blackouts.) But like ye pirates of yore, ye endured so ye could tell ye story to ye grandchildren, the story of back in this year, back in that, and aye aye, ye get me rum and also Planky’s prestigious Medal of Pirate badge, a signed picture of meself with pirate Wayne Coyne, and, arrgh, me recent CD, “The Greatest Hits of Planksy and His Arrghanauts.”

Planks: The Republican U.S. Senator representing Exxon, not ye Oklahoma, none other than the rapscallion Mr. Jim Inhofe for asking ye and yers truly and every other ship’s rat from Hades and back to pay to power the pole to light the ball, this ain’t no blarmy, mateys, and it ain’t worth a galleon to a pinch of gold dust to make his smarmy pole rise. Aye, some say there’s a dab or two of the widestance Republican in him, a tad of the been-on-the-ship-too-long, if you catch me drift. So stay away from them lesbian-infested school potties, courtesy of Dr. No, in southeastern Oklahoma, Jimmy me lad, and just peddle yer schtick and try to raise yer pole in the country’s finest airports (and elsewhere) like every other rapscallion Republican politician in the known worlds these days.

Dranks: The progressive blogging and writing community in Oklahoma for keeping on keeping on despite all the snarly attacks from those local right-wing scoundrels, many of them anonymous scaredy cats without a lick of pirate sense or style. So here are some Planksy Picks: The Mahatma X Files, Mainstream Baptist, Peace Arena, Practical Progressive, Life and Deatherage, Oklahoma Independent Media Center, Blue Oklahoma, PhotoTune, and kittenstomper. Thanks to Robin Meyers and The Oklahoma Observer, too. Don’t fergit me fellow pirates over at the Democrats of Oklahoma Forum. Aye, and don’t fergit the dandy pirates at Oklahomans for Excellence in Science Education. Did I miss yer? It must be me rum. Let Planksy know, lasses and lad, let the pirate turkey in on yer deal.

Planks: Aye, those durnburn religious extremists and their enablers in the corporate media for trying to turn Oklahoma into a landlubbing theocracy. Arrgh, can ye imagine schools that don’t teach science and religious prayers each morning at yer job if ye want to get yer galleons for a measly mug of rum? The war on Christmas, me pirate’s arse, me fellow pirates. Pirate turkeys worship how they wants, if they wants, and they don't want no government saying how everyone's got to be a Sally Kerny Christian or else get off the ship. I say we go full sail and stop these dastardly churchyburchy robots. Planksy leads the pirate charge. Thousands of sea dogs, sailing the winds, on the fly, supporting the ye ol’ separation of church and state, nay, the glorious U.S. Constitution. Aye, a sight to behold, indeed, folks, a beaut and hoot of a pirate deal.

Dranks: People of all persuasions, political and otherwise, for reading Okie Funk this past year. Season's greetings and a tofurkey in every pot. Arrgh!