Planks and Dranks

Aaargh! This is yer favorite pirate turkey Planksy, me hearties, fillin’ in for DocHoc, hoping to swig the barrel clean and coming at yer this tofurkey week with me annual planks and dranks. Imagine me, especially me, and me fearless, fowly crew—300 pirate birds a sailin’—as we fly with the wind down the streets of Oklahoma City with gobblers wavin’ purty under the Jolly Roger. Aaargh! So the rules: If yer doing scurvy, you walk me planks, lads and lasses with some sharks thrown in this here deal free. If yer doing right, yer get yer dranks, straight from Planksy’s favorite barrel and yo-ho-ho happy tofurkey times to yer. Ahoy!

Planks: Dr. No or U.S. Sen. Tommy Coburn keeps sailin’ the lily-livered way by pulling stunts to get everyone’s attention. He’s a squiffy, maties. Health benefits for war veterans? Not before scalawag spoiler Tommy gets a little media coverage and shows what a real landlubber can be like. Aaargh!

Dranks: I’m givin’ dranks this year to state Rep. Al McAffrey, who ain’t scared to call landlubber on landlubbers. When some scalawag said Oklahoma should opt out of a new federal hate crimes law, Al spoke up. Aaargh! This seadog Al knows how to sail. Here’s yer cup, me hearty. Enjoy.

Planks: Shiver me timbers! Planks galore to Oklahoma’s entire Congressional delegation, made up of mostly scalawags and lily-livered landlubbers, for opposing health care reform. The state has some of the worst medical outcomes in the country, but these here fancy pants politicos treat us like scurvy dogs, nay, the sickest scurvy dogs in the nation. Aaargh!

Dranks: More dranks than they can handle to everyone at the Oklahoma Gazette, which celebrated its 30th anniversary recently with a special issue. Me hearties, the Gazette gives OKC buccaneers their due and keeps rollin’ the presses year after year. Aye, the barrel awaits for all the lads and lasses who make this happen. Congrats.

Dranks: Special dranks go to OU quarterback Sam Bradford and OSU quarterback Zac Robinson. These buccaneers have given us Oklahoma pirate turkeys sweet treasure on Saturdays with thar playin’. Dranks and doubleloons to yer boys! Yo-ho-ho.

Special dranks: To none other than meself, yer favorite pirate turkey. Enjoy that tofurkey this year. See yer soon, me hearties.