Scallywags and Seadogs

(Okie Funk will resume its regular publishing schedule on Monday, Dec. 29. Happy holidays!)

Arrrrrrrgh! Yer favorite pirate turkey, Plansky, doin’ yer holiday scribbler’s dance for DocHoc, me hearties. Imagine me, handsome gobbler a-blowing in thee wind, and 300 swashbucklin’ pirate fowl, rascally gentlemen o’ fortune all, sailin’ up and down yer Turner Turnpike looking for doubloons and spreading groggy cheer to Oklahoma buccaneers this holiday season. Shiver me timbers! It’s a dandy sight to behold. So are you a scallywag or a swashbucklin’ seadog? Scallywags get the plank o’ doom. Me seadogs get as much as me pirate’s brew—straight from the ol’ rum barrel--as they can handle. (We have yer eggnog flavored rum, too!) So I have me list, and har she blows, me lads and lasses, one and all.

Swashbucklin’ seadogs: Arrrgh! Oklahoma teachers. Aye, this here group of honorary turkey pirates has me heart and a share of me treasure. Oklahoma teachers get yer low wages, fer sure, but these swashbucklers keep working hard against the squalls.

Scallywag: Yer state Rep. Sally Kern continues to stink it up. First, she rants and groans scurvey-like about gay people, then she tries to turn our schools into churches and religious war zones. Sally’s religious crusade is a scurvy operation, me mateys, a bone-chillin’ attempt to turn Oklahoma into the durnest theocracy you’ve ever seen.

Swashbucklin’ seadog: Pass the rum cup to Serena Blaiz. She works for the liberal cause in the reddest of red states and writes it all up on peace arena. Keep flying high, me seadog! Yo-ho-ho!

Scallywags: The Oklahoman editorial-page crew are scurvy swindlers spouting smarmy mush. Let’s see. They’ve taken their merry rapscallion vows against workers, professionals, teachers, government employees, the middle-class, poor people, etc, and, oh yeah, logic. They’re the scallywag parrots on the shoulders of the rich and powerful.

Swashbucklin’ seadog: Arrrghs-a-plenty! The legendary Frosty Troy continues to tell yer tale of truth and justice at the Oklahoma Observer. Shiver me timbers! Pass me grog, me hearties. Troy’s the definition of “truth-to-power,” of yer don’t give up ever.

Scallywag: Don’t look for Jim “I’m a Jesus guy” Inhofe to do a thing for Oklahoma seeing as how the scurvy scallywag is busy with his African trips and crusades against the environment. That’s how the Oklahoma GOP and the oil companies like it and get it, me fellow pirates.

Swashbucklin’s seadog: He’s a beaut of a bird, me mateys. Aye, he delivers the holiday cheer with fowly elegance and wit. He’s none other than meself, Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey. (No charge on autographs fer children 12 and under.) Enjoy your tofurkey this holiday and watch in yer neighborhood fer yer bird with a view.